The following Sunday service program was scripted and coordinated by one of our youth members, who recruited hams of all ages to participate. The jokes and hymns were borrowed (i.e., stolen) from many sources, but we think this compilation is uniquely funny and worth sharing with you.The Joke's on UU!
Sunday service for April 6, 2003
Prelude: "Smile" will be played as people are sitting down, then exactly at 11:00, "Reveille" will be performed.
Welcome and Announcements: (Moderator includes a disclaimer with welcome.)
Conversation overheard:Chalice Lighting and Opening Words:
(Player A) I hear that you allow all sorts of weirdos in your church. Atheists, Buddhists, Pagans...
(Player B) We allow Christians too -- we're very open-minded!Three children were talking about their religions. "I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross."I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David." The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"Joys (and Concerns, too): (Moderator)Offertory:
There was a UU minister who was giving a sermon on the annual pledge drive: "The Sermon on the Amount."Special Music: "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian" - Words by Elisabeth J. McGregor, Unitarian Church of Sharon, Mass. (To the tune of "I am the Very Model of A Modern Major General," from The Pirates of Penzance)A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.Introduction to the Program: "The Joke's on UU" (Program Coordinator)
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world's religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I'm full of fine ideas that should fill up our church's empty pews.Chorus members:
We're full of fine ideas that should fill up our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill up our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill up our church's empty pews.
I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I'm anti nuke, I don't pollute, I'm chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiri-tu-al, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiri-tu-al, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'm leery about worshiping.
I serve on 10 committees, none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I'm not sure what they are).
I'm open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.Chorus members:
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of 'em,
But don't ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of 'em.
In short in matters spiri-tu-al, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today's religious liberal.Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiri-tu-al, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today's religious liberal.
Why a joke show? Of all the more worthy things to occupy a Sunday, why this? People are dying overseas right now, and here we are, telling jokes. Why? One reason. Generic hilarity has been clinically proven to alleviate stress and worry better than name-brand medications, such as Valium. Laughter activates the immune system, making us more resistant to illness. It decreases the levels of the stress hormones epinephrine and cortisol. It releases endorphins, which may help reduce the intensity of pain in people suffering from arthritis and muscular spasms. Lastly, it is just plain good aerobic exercise.One of this congregation's greatest gifts is its ability to laugh. We can be serious, but I can't remember one Sunday going by without at least one hearty guffaw. What this means is we are extremely healthy people.
Yes, I'm concerned about the current political situation. But as George Herbert once said, "Living well is the best revenge," and I can't think of a better way to live well than spending time having a good laugh with my friends.
Now, for the first time in history, we present to you "Sunday Morning Live," courtesy of the "Not Yet Ready for Heaven Players!"
(How do you tell a Unitarian Universalist?) (Player A) How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist?
(Player B) You can't, they already know it all.(Player) I'm not even sure if I am UU. I suppose that removes all doubt.
(Handout with hymns and responsive reading distributed to congregation.) Responsive Reading:
(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:(Player) What does a UU say when someone sneezes? Oooh, ick! Get away! Germs!
(Congregation) You are unsure about the gender of God.(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) The money you sent to the Sierra Club last year was more than you spent on your mother at Christmas.(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) You think the Holy Trinity is "reduce, reuse and recycle."(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) You study the "ten suggestions" instead of the "Ten Commandments."(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) The only time "Jesus" is mentioned at church is when the janitor falls down the stairs.(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) Your child says to you before eating dinner at a friend's house "I'll remember to say my 'pleases' and 'thank yous' but I'm not going to say that dinner 'pledge of allegiance'."(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) You think a Holy Day of Obligation is your turn to provide snacks for the after-church reception.(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) You have trouble singing hymns because you're always reading ahead to see if you agree with the words.(Coordinator) You might be a UU if:
(Congregation) You pray, "Dear God, if there is a God, if you can, save my soul, if I have a soul."(Coordinator) And so, to whom it may concern, these thoughts, prayers, good vibes, karma, cosmic forces, or whatever, we offer to you, if there is a you. Or not.
(Player) A street corner evangelist rhetorically asked a passer-by, "Friend -- do you know what path leads to the denial of God and Christ straight into the arms of heathenism and atheism?" "Oh, sure," said the passer-by. "The Unitarian Universalist Fellowship is just two blocks that way."
(Player) "Unitarian Universalists prefer buffet to catered," a UU was saying over coffee hour.
"What's wrong with catered food?" interrupted another UU, catching only the last part of the conversation.
Explained the first, "I was referring to theology."(Player) What two things do UU's and Dracula have in common?
They both have origins in Transylvania and they both shy away from the cross.(Coordinator) After the secular humanists came along, we said that UU's believe in One God - at most. Now, with the 6th Source and the pagans, we say that UU's believe in One God -- More or Less.
(Player) For the members of any religion, to have to have a few doubts is normal, to have many doubts is a crisis of faith, and to have constant doubts is a conversion to Unitarian Universalism.
(Player) What's an insomniac, dyslexic, UU? Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.
(Player) What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and asks, "What do you believe in?"
(Player) A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
(Player) Didja hear the one about the UU monastery? All are welcome, but to allow for peaceful contemplation, you must take a vow of silence -- unless you think of something REALLY good!
(Player) "The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian." - Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H. 4077
(Player) Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud wrestling a pig. Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.
(Player A) A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, (Player B) "So how did you like it?"
(Player A) "I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage.
(Player B) "Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!"Music: "Gods Rest Ye, Unitarians" (To the tune of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen")
Gods rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay(Coordinator) Yes, it's true that I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas Day.
When Christ was born is just not known, no matter what they say.
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.Our current Christmas customs come from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East.
This whole darn Christmas spiel is just another pagan feast.
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angels' song,
There could not have been wise men for the trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong.
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact!
(Player) A convict on Death Row, the night before his scheduled execution, was visited by the warden. The warden, in talking with the condemned man, said, "Usually, at this point, persons in your situation find a great comfort in talking to a member of the clergy. With that in mind, would you like us to send the prison chaplain over for a visit?" The convict replied, "Well, warden, I have to tell you -- I was raised Unitarian Universalist." The warden then said, "Well, then, would you like to talk to a math professor?"
(Player) If Unitarians had to form a firing squad, they would arrange themselves in a circle.
(Heaven and Hell jokes): (Player) What's the difference between a Unitarian and a Universalist?
Universalists think God is too good to send them to hell.
Unitarians think they are too good for God to send them to hell.(Player) There was this guy who had a dream that God came to him and told him he was going to die. In the dream the guy said, "No, I'm not ready." God said, "It's time." The guy said, "Well, then I need to take something with me." God said, "No, it's against the rules. Sorry." The guy said, "Well, I'm not going if I can't take something." So God said, "Okay. You can take whatever you can put in one bag."
So the guy worked really hard and put all of his wages into gold bars, which he put into the one bag. He changed his real estate and all other property and stocks and bonds into more gold bars, which he put into the bag. When the bag was full, he died.
St. Peter met him at the gate and said, "Hey, you can't come in here with that! It's against the rules to bring anything with you." The guy said, "No. God cut me a deal. I get one bag only." St. Peter said, "Okay then, let's have a look at what you brought." So the man opened the bag and St. Peter squatted down to look. He picked up a gold bar and, with an incredulous look asked, "You brought pavement?"
* * * (Player) A Unitarian Universalist died, and to his surprise discovered that there was indeed an afterlife. The angel in charge of these things told him, "Because you were an unbeliever and a doubter and a skeptic, you will be sent to Hell for all eternity -- which, in your case, consists of a place where no one will disagree with you ever again!"
(Player) A Unitarian Universalist died, and was off on the great journey. He came to a crossroad in the lane, with three directional signs. One said, This Way To Heaven. Another said, This Way to hell. And the third said, This Way To A Discussion About Heaven and Hell. Of course, the Unitarian Universalist went to the discussion.
(Player) Three Unitarian Universalists arrive at the Pearly Gates, much to their own surprise and that of Saint Peter, who upon checking his records realizes that these three people have led fully exemplary lives, and aren't Christian, and Heaven is only for Christians, and they shouldn't be up here in the first place.
But it's a slow day, and St. Peter is in a good mood. So he offers them a deal: "I'm going to ask each of you a question, and if you answer correctly, I'll let you get into heaven. But if you're wrong, to Hell with you."
They figure this is as good a deal as they're likely to get, and so Peter asks the first one, "Explain the meaning of Easter." The guy scratches his head, and says, "Isn't that where there's a fat guy in a red suit with reindeer, and you get presents, and "AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!" as St. Peter pushed the big red button and the poor fellow is hurled into the pits of Hell.
So Saint Peter asks the second one the same question. She looks confused and then says, "Um, yeah, you've got this bunny hopping around hiding eggs under bushes, and "AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!" as Peter hits the red button again and she's cast down to the place of eternal damnation.
The third UU comes up and Peter asks him the same question. He's prepared for this, however - he took a Comparative Religions course through the RE department at his church, and he knows his stuff. "OK, Jesus was arrested in Gethsemane after Judas betrayed him, he was hauled before Pilate and sentenced to death, he was crucified on the Mount of Cavalry and buried in a tomb with a rock rolled in front of the door--"
Peter's relaxing, he's going to let someone in today, he's already reaching for the green button--
"and if he comes out and sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of winter, but--AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!"
* * * (Player A) Once upon a time, there was a man who had no religion, but was a very good and honest fellow. At death, he found himself in heaven. A kindly looking gentleman was waiting for him. Said the gatekeeper of heaven, "What religion are you, sir?"
(Player B) The man said, "I have no religion."
(Player A) The gatekeeper said, "Well, where would you like to spend eternity, then?"
(Player B) The man shrugged. "What are some options?"
(Player A) Together, they strolled through the halls of heaven, looking in different rooms. In the first, a great congregation knelt before a great glowing figure, their faces to the ground and their hands outstretched.
(Player B) The man didn't think that looked too good.
(Player A) Next, they stood outside a large sanctuary where a preacher was preaching loudly, to many 'Amens' and 'Hallelujahs.' St. Peter put a finger to his lips and said, "at this door, we need to be ver-r-r-ry quiet."
(Player B) "Why?" asked the newcomer.
(Player A) "Because," St Peter replied, "Those are the Southern Baptists, and they think they're the only ones here."
In another, a great congregation knelt before a fellow hanging from a big cross.
(Player B) The man didn't think much of that, either. And indeed, in every room, the man found less than satisfactory situations in which to spend eternity.
(Player A) So, finally the gatekeeper said, "Okay, there's one last option." They walked down the hall, and St. Peter opened the final door, behind which were a great congregation dancing in a big ring around a huge coffeepot singing "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee!"Music: "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee," words by Christopher Raible (sung to the tune of "Holy, Holy, Holy," p. 26 in Singing the Living Tradition)
Coffee, Coffee, Coffee,
Praise the strength of coffee.
Early in the morn we rise with thoughts of only thee.
Served fresh or reheated,
Dark by thee defeated,
Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly.Though all else we scoff, we
Come to church for coffee.
If we're late to congregate, we come in time for thee. Coffee our one ritual,
Drinking it habitual,
Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly.Coffee the communion
Of our Uni-Union,
Symbol of our sacred ground, our one necessity.
Feel the holy power
At our coffee hour,
Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly.(Generic religious jokes): (Player A): Madam Fortuneteller, tell me, are there golf courses in heaven?
(Player B): I have good news, and I have bad news.
(Player A) What's the good news?
(Player B) The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine.
(Player A) That's wonderful!
(Player B) The bad news is, you'll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.* * * (Player A): Do you spend much time worrying about the hereafter?
(Player B): I'll say! Whenever I find myself in front of the refrigerator with the door open, I have to ask myself, "what am I here after?"(Player) What do you get when you cross a Klansman with a Unitarian? Someone who goes out at night to burn huge wooden question marks.
(Player) Have you heard the latest UU miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
* * * (Coordinator) A man went to a drive through McCatholics and said,
(Player A) "I'd like a burger, but hold the guilt."
(Coordinator) The worker was a priest, and said,
(Player B) "I'm sorry, we don't do special orders."
(Coordinator) The first guy said,
(Player A) "But what about your motto, 'Have it your way'?"
(Coordinator) And the priest said,
(Player B) "Oh no, you're thinking of 'Unitarian King' across the street!"* * * (Player) What did the Zen master say to the New York hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
(Player A) A student comes before the old Master and asks him "Do you know the Secret of Life?"
(Player B) "Oh yes. I know that."
(Player A) "You DO know the Secret of Life?"
(Player B) "Of course!"
(Player A) "Well then please tell me, master, what is the Secret of Life?"
(Player B) "Oh, I couldn't tell you that!" (Player A) "Why not?"
(Player B) "It's a secret!"(Player) It is show-and-tell day at school, and all the children are requested to bring in an item which illustrates their religious beliefs.
David stands up and says, "This is a Star of David and I am a Jew."
Dorothy stands up and says, "This is a crucifix and I am a Catholic."
Jimmy stands up and says, "This is a coffeepot and I am a Unitarian Universalist."(Player) Each religion has its own Holy Books:
Judaism has the Torah,
Islam has the Koran,
Christianity has the Bible, and
Unitarian Universalism has Roberts' Rules of Order.(Player) Three religious persons are discussing when life begins.
The Catholic says, "Life begins at the moment of conception."
The Jew says, "Life begins at the moment of birth."
The Unitarian says, "You're both wrong. Life begins when the last child goes to college and the dog dies."(Player) A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh--then why do you keep crossing things out?"(Player A): "Faith can move mountains!"
(Player B): "I believe you, but I think Dynamite works faster."(Player A): "Now, [Player B's name], do you pray before dinner?"
(Player B): "Nah, my Mom's a great cook."(Player A): "Dust we were, and dust we shall be."
(Player B): "Gee, there must be someone under the bed either coming or going!"(Player A): "So how did you like your first service, [Player B's name]?"
(Player B): "Well, the singing and stuff was OK, but the commercial was wa-a-y-y too long."(Player) What's brown, and lives in a cathedral in Paris? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
(Player A): What two religions originated in San Francisco?
(Player B): The Quakers and the Shakers.(Player A): What do you call it when a rabbi, a priest, and a minister hold a service together?
(Player B): A triple-pray.* * * (Coordinator) So a man was praying to God, and he said "God?" and God said "Yes?"
He says, "Can I ask you a question?" and God said, "Sure, go ahead."
The man said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
and God said, "Well, a million years is as a second."
"What is a million dollars to you?"
God said, "To me, a million dollars is as a penny."
And the man says, "God, can I have a penny?"
and God says, "Sure, just a second."* * * (Player) There was a pastor who skipped church on Sunday to go bear hunting. He was walking through the woods, and as he came around a bend, there was a bear, right in the path. The bear took off after him. The pastor was running as fast as he could, and he slipped down a slope. The bear came after him. The pastor was lying there. He'd lost his gun. The bear was coming closer, and the pastor said, "Lord, I repent for all that I've done. Just please make this bear a Christian." The bear came to a stop, looked up into the sky, and said, "Lord, I do thank you for the food I am about to consume."
* * * (Player) There was a man who had been appointed to paint a church. The church was on a pretty tight budget so the man stretched the paint as much as he could with thinner.
As he was just about to finish, the pastor of the church showed up to check on his progress. The preacher thought the church looked horrible and cried out to the man,
"Repaint, repaint, and thin no more!"(Player) Who are the patron saints of vacations? St. Thomas, St Croix, and San Juan.
(Biblical humor): (Player) How did Moses part the Red Sea? He used a sea-saw.
(Coordinator) Little Sally comes home from Sunday school and her mother asks her what she learned.
(Player A) "The teacher told us the story of Moses leading his people out of Egypt,"
(Coordinator) Sally said. Her mother asked Sally to tell her the story.
(Player) "Well", (Coordinator) said Sally,
(Player A) "Moses led his people away from Egypt and the Pharaoh starting chasing them. When they got to this big lake, Moses called up his engineers and they built this pontoon bridge over the lake and Moses and his people started across. When they got to the other side, they waited until Pharaoh's army was on the bridge and then Moses called in his helicopters and artillery and they bombed the bridge and blew up the Pharaoh's army and they all drowned and Moses and his people got away."
(Coordinator) Sally's mother was horrified.
(Player B) "That can't be the way your teacher told the story!"
(Player A) "Well, no,"
(Coordinator) said Sally,
(Player A) "but you would never believe it the way she told it."* * * (Player) Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert for 40 years because God was testing them, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there, or because Moses simply refused to ask anybody for directions?
(Player) Abraham decided to upgrade to Windows '95, and Isaac just couldn't believe it, and he said, "Dad, your PC doesn't have enough memory!" and Abraham says, "My son, God will provide the RAM."
(Player A as Noah): "Okay, all you animals, go forth and multiply."
(Player B as Snakes): "Not us."
(Player A) "Why not, you snakes?"
(Player B) "We're adders."(Player) Jesus was taking a walk in heaven when he came across an old man sitting all alone. He approached the old man and asked him where he was from. The old man said that when he was alive, he had grown up and lived around the Mediterranean. Jesus was pleasantly surprised and told the old man that he himself had grown up in the same area. Continuing to make small talk, Jesus asked the old man what he had done for a living. The old man said he loved working with his hands and had been a carpenter. Jesus told the old man his father had been a carpenter, too. When Jesus asked the old man about his family, the countenance of the old man changed completely. His face lit up, and he began to speak about his son. He said his son was truly exceptional and that his life's story had touched the hearts of millions of people. His son had gone through trials, struggles, and temptations, only to emerge transformed into someone who brought joy and hope to others. Jesus was dumbfounded. He raised the old man to his feet, looked into his face, and asked, "Father?" The old man paused, then searched the eyes of Jesus and asked, "Pinocchio?"
(Player) What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?
"All right! Everyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table."
(Car jokes): (Player A) A man bought a brand new Ferrari. He wanted to get a blessing for it, so he went to see his priest.
(Coordinator) "Father O'Hanlon, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"
(Player B) "Certainly, my son, but what's a Ferrari?"
(Player A) The man was so incensed that the priest wasn't impressed with his new car that he went right up the street to the first Protestant church he saw.
(Coordinator) "Reverend Schmidt, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"
(Player C) "Naturally, but what's a Ferrari?"
(Player A) The man took off again and stopped at the synagogue two blocks away.
(Coordinator) "Rabbi Zimmerman, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"
(Player D) "Of course, but what's a Ferrari?"
(Player A) At last, in desperation, the man went to the Unitarian Universalist fellowship.
(Coordinator) "Ms. Dibble-Fujimoto, can I have a blessing for my Ferrari?"
(Player E) "Wow! You got a Ferrari? Can I have a ride in it?"
(Player A) The man took the UU minister once around the block. Then he asked,
(Coordinator) "Now, can I please have a blessing for my Ferrari?"
(Player E) "Sure, but what's a blessing?"* * * --(Player) This guy bought a new Cadillac, and he was proud very proud of it, like we all are when we buy a new Cadillac, so he invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to come and bless it. The priest sprinkled holy water over it and chanted in Latin, the minister led everyone in prayer, and the rabbi sang a song and cut off the end of the tailpipe.
(Light Bulb jokes) (Player A) How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) Only one. Hands are already in the air.
(Player A) How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) None. They use candles.
(Player A) How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
(Player A) How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
(Player A) How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.
(Player A) How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
(Player A) How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization, and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.
(Player A) How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
(Player A) How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.
(Player A) How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) What's a light bulb?
(Player A) How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? (Player B) Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.(ALL PARTICIPANTS IN UNISON) How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
(Coordinator) We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
(Player) Doesn't matter - they'll discuss it so long that they'll never get it screwed in!
(Player) Three: One to change the bulb, the other two make sure that the power doesn't go to her head.
(Player) None, UU's aren't afraid of the dark!
(Player) Nine. Three to form the committee "For" change; three to form the committee "Against" change; two to abstain; and a secretary.
(Player) Three -- one to write a solemn statement which will affirm the following:
1. This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps.A second UU who will read this statement, even if he/she is the only human being to do so, and then to write the obligatory criticism and dissent.
2. There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality.
3. We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference.
4. UU's seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.A third UU to light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.
(Player) It's about 5 or 6, isn't it? Whatever the quorum is for the church board meeting. Well, plus, of course a couple of members of the Building and Grounds committee to actually get the ladder and DO it--and of course the chair and vice-chair of the committee to supervise-- oh, they can't come Saturday? Well, how about Sunday just before the service? Oh, the choir's rehearsing? Oh God! No, I'm not praying! It's just an expression! What do you mean, I use too many careless expressions!? If I gave the kind of wacky pulpit editorials you do--no I am NOT appointing myself Censor of the Liturgy--Liturgy?--What's a liturgy?...
Music: "I'm Proud to be Unitarian" (To the tune of "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood)
From the lakes of MinnesotaOpen Mike and/or Discussion: Make sure that this section is G-rated, for our family audience.
To the hills of Tennessee,
Across the plains of Texas
From sea to shining sea
From Detroit down to Houston,
And New York to L.A.,
Well there's pride in every Unitarian heart
And it's time we stand and say:I'm proud to be Unitarian,
Where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the heretics
Who won that right for me.
And I'll proudly stand up next to you
As to different gods we pray.
'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this church!
God, Allah, Buddha, Yahweh, Krishna, Isis, Pele, E.T., Kuan Yin, Great Spirit, The Force, Big Mamma, Whatever, bless the UUA!Chalice Extinguishing and Closing Words: Coordinator
Let us end with a chicken joke: Why did the UU cross the road? To support the chicken in its search for its own path.Peace Song